Up And Over
Yesterday, I was hit by it, again - sudden loneliness.
Ok. I am not sure if there is a term as such. In the office, I was all in good heart. But when I came off and walked my way home, unknown things came pouring on me. I wasn't even thinking about people, work or friends. Just a sudden rush of something sad.
I am not also sure if it was even the heat outside. Office area is always freezing. When I go out, there's heat. Heat that would cramp my would body up and make my neck heavy, my legs limp and my feet tired.
Upon reaching home, I boiled an instant pancit bihon for snack. Preparing anything edible on my own seems to be my comfort food. I shared it with my brothers afterwards. I watched a little televsion. Then, I found myself sleeping for about an hour til my mom wakes me up for dinner.
I was tired. Not just on the physical.
And the feeling went on til the next day, which is today. I woke up 20 minutes past my regular wake up time. I wasn't even sure of going to work. No, I didn't plan to absent myself. I always try to maintain a perfect schedule. It is a Sunday and I get sad working on a Sunday. I was crampling on my bed a few minutes after I woke up thinking about the time when I should get up and prepare for work.
I had a cup of black coffee which I didn't like the taste. I was the one who made my coffee so I shouldn't complain. It was a bit bitter than the regular black coffee. Still, I had consumed it bottoms up. My life has been like that. No matter how I dislike something, I would still take it in. Sacrifice.
I moved by the street to wait for my ride. I was almost 20 minutes of waiting for the bus to arrive. I prefer to take a bus than an fx taxi on early mornings. I feel safer.
Sleeping with my mind still awake always gives me a headache after waking up. Taking a bath with so many thoughts in mind adds to that headache. Oh. I remember. I don't even know what I was thinking. That's a bigger headache.
The bus was airconditioned. It was dawn and it was cold. Now, inside the bus was also cold.
Good thing there's a television inside. And it was on. It was tuned in a Sunday mass program. Hmm, made me wonder about the last time that I actually heard mass and had a communion. Worse, confession.
The priest was already saying his homily. I seldom listen to it, honestly, unless I really trust the preacher. I was glued on it. I didn't bother to take a nap. Then, came the offering part of the mass. This struck me most. The song that is. And it went something like, "Lord, I offer my life to you..." I need to check our hymn book at home for the title and lyrics of this song.
It was calming to hear than. Better, to sing that. But I only know one line from its chorus. Still, it has that effect.
I don't know. I already mentioned here I am not that devout and practicing as a Catholic. But I am confident about my faith. The tv mass alone did unburden me. Wierd. I was feeling bugged without knowing what's bugging me. But it's all over now. I am now up for things old and new. Probably, God was reminding me to take good care of my part which I take a least care of the most. And that was my heart.
Hmm, I knew it.
posted by Arn 
at 8:58 AM
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