03 Days AFTER My Birthday
I am still very conscious of my hair. If only I could wear a cap, I would. But as I think, this is what that always happens to me since college. I'd grow my hair. Had it cut. Mourn. Grow it back. Cut it again. Then, mourn 'til it lenghtens back. Hmp!
Anyway, I was really happy to celebrate my birthday with my family. I think this is the first time that the money to buy food came from my own pocket. And I also think that this is the first time that I celebrated it since my one year old birthday party --- family friends, relatives, cousins, siblings, cake, beer (for my dad and his peers).
We hardly celebrate ocassions at home. Sad. But that we grew up with. Yes, ocassions even Christmas and New Year where all are happy and festive. But us, quietly cheering within ourselves. We prepare something. But the atmosphere was sad.
When I was younger, my mom would buy a cake or ice cream for my birthday. But usually, more than half of it goes to my friends. What's left would be shared by my family.
One time, my treat to my friends were isaw, barbecue and samalamig inside the ihaw-ihaw stand near our place. I think that was during high school. After eating, I went straight home to find out that my younger siblings hadn't eaten yet. My mom was, is really nice. I know she wanted me to give some treats for my friends. I mean, almost all of us would want to spend our birthdays, late night talks, problems and triumphs with our friends, right? And I know that she knows how much I value my friends. If I had my own dictionary, probably the first word that would appear on it was THEM. Hear ye! Hear ye! Now what do we/I have? They are full of THEMselves. Tsk. Tsk. Something's wrong.
But I think I've had enough. Since then, I would go with their teasing to drink the night away especially when there are special ocassions. I know celebrations spell beer most of the time. But I got bored. I was looking for something new. Something more adventuruos and educational. Something that is not the usual scenario of drink-stuff my belly with pulutan-puff-uratang kwentuhan-sing-pee-puke-drink again-puff-eat-pee-drink-pee-drink-see them do pot-pee-drink-sleep-hangover cycle. That's tiring. I think I've gotten over it.
That's why last Saturday, I made myself happy by doing what would make me happy on that speacial day. I went to a chapel first. Went on line for about an hour. Brought some spaghetti for my lola, tito, tita and cousins. Spent 4 hours at their place. Went home and eat some more with my siblings. I don't know if I've matured. I'm not sure if this is that something new I am looking for. I am just happy I did what I wanted that day. Not much food but the sense of that day, I felt.
Ok. I am not totally avoiding alcohol and nicotine. I just think that I am bored with the same talks that we have while drinking. I also think that I've spent so much time on them already. And now would be the great time to set my priorities. Huh?! Ang seryoso ko, a.
Before all these make me smile. But I think I dislike senselessness now.
Muntik na nga palang may sumira ng birthday ko.
Kasi nung papunta pa lang ako sa mang lola ko, eh halos makasalubong ko na yung "kaibigan" ko mula bata. Bale mabilis naman kasi talaga kong lumkad kaya medyo di kami nagkasalubong. Tsaka paulan na nun kaya nagmamadali din ako. Medyo binilisan ko din talaga para kung kausapin man nya ko, eh di kami ganun magtagal.
Ayun, malayo na ko tas tinanong ako kung san ako pupunta. Sinabi ko naman sa lola ko. Patuloy akong naglakad. Tinatanong kung ba't daw ako nagpagupit. Ngumit na lang ako. (Nung mahaba yung buhok ko, panay usisa kung ba't mahaba yung buhok ko. Nung maikli naman, matanong pa din. Ano ba namang buhay yan?) Sumegunda kung di daw ba kami iinom, ngumiti na lang ulit ako. Tas nagsabi na lilingon naman daw ako pag kinakausap.
Ok. Una, pwede ba kong maglakad ng nakapilipit ang ulo ko? Eh, di nabangga ako o kaya nalusot ako dun sa mga butas sa daan. Tsaka paliko na ko nun, a. Halata pang nagmamadali na ko. Ikalawa, di kaya obvious na ayokong makipag-usap sa kanya ng matagal. Nung huling emekstra sya dun sa usapan namin nung barkada kong ilang taon ko ding di nakita, eh ginulo nya'y usapan namin, eh tas tingin nya mag-aaksaya ko ng oras sa kanya? Ikatlo, inom ba kamo? Daldal lang naman ang dala mo sa ganun, eh di ba? Karaniwan nang di ka nagbibigay tas minsan tatakasan mo pa yung may painon ng may bitbit ka pang plastic na pinaapaw mo sa pulutan. Take home. Lakas. Ikaapat, yung hiniram mong pera para sa kasal mo di mo naman binayadan. Oo nga't ambag lahat yun ng grupo pero di namin inipon yun para sayo. Ni hindi mo man lang kami kinausap lahat na gagamitin mo. Ikalima, yung bracelet ko na may magnet, di mo na binalik. Magpa-party ka lang tas winala mo pa yung di iyo. Pati yung jersey ko, di ko alam kung san na napunta.
Putek. Sanay na sanay ka sa ganyang sistema. Ibahin mo ko, utut. Ok lang kung makaisa o dalawang beses ka lang manggamit o manlamang ng kapwa o kaibigan, kung yun ang turing mo sa akin, pero kalabisan na pag namihasa ka na sa ganyan. Linsiyak. Harapin mo yung insecurities mo. Kung may problema ka sa mundo, wag mong ibunton sa iba. Ogag. Siguro nga kung medyo makapal ka na, di mo na ramdam kung ayaw na sayo ng isang tao. Ano? Mamamalo ka na naman ng bote pag nainis ka sa isang tao? Duwag! Gaano man kataas o katapang ang tingin mo sa sarili mo, wala ka pa din. Di mo man lang kayang ikayod yang sarili mo.
Thanks to all who've greeted me. I forgot my notebook. All the text messages that I received are written there. So, I'd just post them tomorrow along with the greetings from emails, tagboards and friendster messages.
Di ko talaga trip yung buhok ko ngayon. Kaya nung nag-mall ako, eh nakasimangot ako habang naglalakad. Banas na kasi ko noon. Nawala yung mood ko sa paglibot at paghanap ng gusto kong bilin para sa sarili ko. Nakinig na lang ako sa listening station ng music 1 nung album ni alanis. At sapul, yung track pa na "You Learn" ang napakinggan ko.
posted by Arn 
at 3:41 PM
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