Where Am I?
While walking on the street.. riding a public utility vehicle.. lying on the comfort of the bed.. puffing cigar alone at the smoking area of a coffee house, food court or building.. watching tv or doing something then a sudden blank stare..
You have to agree with me that during these times, question knock and linger your mind. Uhm, no? Well, it should be a yes answer. It must be. If not you seem to be dead and lifeless. Just joking.
Most entries on my blog are usually about the ordinary things that I do. My routine, my trippings, my cycle and everything my hands and feet could do. In short, my life. Yes, I consider mine just as ordinary as the rest of you.
Lately, I've been thinking about this particular thing that I know makes everyone giggle, smile, sigh, and so on. This particular thing called love. [Do I see eyebrows raising?]
To make this point staight, I am not romantically linked or attached with someone. Nill. Nada. Nothing.
Everyone is in love. We exist to love. The world is a beautiful place to live because of love. But is love really the answer? If so, then what is the question?
This post would not focus on love per se but on singlehood. Yes, I am single. An oh-so-hot-dude-with-a-katawang-pangromansa-sculputed-with-washboard-abs-and-a-loaded-head-attached-on-the-shoulder helluva guy. Hahaha! Thanks for reading but that description would never be me.
On with the topic. Being single doesn't mean that I am not in love or I am alone or I am in deep need of that sweet caress while you hold me in the darkness and take away my sadness(I am hearing Breathe's "Hands To Heaven"). It is not also being unlikable, unattractive, loser, weird, sad, unproductive, deprived.
For me it's more about being one with yourself. Though, I admit that I still have to fix and resolve alot of things. But I am still one.
It's not hurrying or forcing yourself to be in a situation where everything would only be ideal. It's not kissing an almost dead princess and instantly falling in love with each other. Or kissing a frog that would transform into a prince. The quest would be great. The search brings thrill. I myself look forward to a new day packed with lot of things to anticipate and later on, enjoy.
But this something in me tells me that I would not want to be just somebody else's conquest. Just like when you're going to Davao and you just stopped over at, let's say Cebu. I bet you would adore Cebu but it's Davao that you came for. Do you get what I mean? Perhaps, I am just afraid to be part of the experience. I want to be your experience. I do not want to be just part of your journey. I want to be the end of your journey where you would say "mission accomplished." Perhaps, I am afraid of the idea which I install in me that I am just used or played by or overtaken. [Why the hell would I think negatively about myself?.. Yes, why? I need to answer my own question.]
Sometimes, the imagery of an orange fruit crosses my mind. Like I am this plumpy, juicy, sweet and soft fruit. Then, after being consumed, I am all squeezed out and thrown. Trash. Buried. Decomposed. You know, when you're already done with something you just throw it. Ouch!
Everyone who chooses to love takes risk. And it's a big risk to let loose and have someone enter your life. I guess, I just have to accept the fact that no matter how I protect myself from hurting, I would be hurt along the way. And it's only in risks where I would know myself better, improve myself more and learn to appreciate positive things more.
I just wonder. Most of my friends who are very much single are the best looking ones. All my friends look good in their own way. But I couldn't help to notice them. Are they waiting for that someone who's equally good looking or someone who matches their level of success?
I may not be also the best looking human on earth. But I know I look good. Ehem! And to answer the question on the paragraph above, I am not looking for any match. Usually, I am attracted to the opposite. No. Not to ugly girls [my own definition of the adjective].
Sometimes it kills me when a cousin or a close friend asks about the current situation of my heart [Sinong girlfriend mo?] . I only have one answer to them which is, "Ha? Wala." [None.] And they would insist. "Wala nga," [Nothing, really.] would be my follow up. Funny thing is, that question usually comes from my single friends as well. Haha!
I think being also the eldest in the family somehow hinders my "flourishing" lovelife [I am not admitting anything]. I usually think of something to better the status of my family. Instead of going out, I just save the money to pay the bills or buy something to put inside the fridge. I am so preoccupied, if I may say.
I also have this feeling that I am not going to perform well being a boyfriend. Ooh! Performance. Not sex. But the responsibility, obligation, duty. I tend to please to the point that abuse would mean something about caring for the one I love. I would be blinded by my feelings. And I would not want that to happen.
But first, there shouldn't be any constitution or 10 commandements in a relationship, right?
I hate nagging. I hate so much dependence.
I need my personal time to be really my personal time. My own. The relationship should not stop me from growing as an individual. I think lovelife or a romantic relationship is a slice of life. Same goes with family, friends, sports, hobbies that would take their own slices.
I mentioned sex, did I? Alright, I am not pro or against prematial sex. If couples consider this as a part of their relationship, that's their choice. That's their responsiblity. Having sex, getting naked, smooching in public are not signs of maturity for me. They just abuse the word. Being of legal age doesn't authorize us to do what we usually see on American films. We shouldn't be imitating or acting like them in the first place. I know it's not our culture and it is also an issue whether we, young people, should decide what we think is good for us.
Being 23 doesn't justify that I am ready to take full responsibility of what might happen after sex. Again, age doesn't justify the level of maturity. And sex is a personal choice. As posted above, if it happens, it happens.
Alone and not lonely. That's what I am today. Perhaps tomorrow. Definitely not for a long time. Best things come if you're single. You're would becomes this wide cinema screen unlike being so into your lovelife where you just see his/her face from morning til night. More time for yourself. More time to travel and explore nature, other culture and probably other people.
As to where I am now? That is for me to know and for you to find out. More than walking on the street, riding taxis, lying on bed and staring blankly, my life is just in front of me.
******************
In line with my title, I was a bit lost earlier today.
The MRT train was busted and it could only take the passengers to Shaw Blvd. So, that's 4 stations away from Ayala. I had no choice but to take the bus headed southside. I think the bus conductor didn;t understand me when I told him to drop me off Ayala. By the way, the signboard of the bus read Ayala Ilalim. Other buses' signboard read Ayala ibabaw. I didn't know the difference. I just took the one with Ayala Ilalim sign. But still, the conductor seemed to be out of coins for change so I said to just drop me off Buendia.
I thought it would be a short walk. I walked. And saw Makati Ave. My smiled and told myself that I am near the office. I walked again and saw Paseo. "Oh, I'm nearer," I told myself. I waklked and saw another street's name. I walked and another unfamiliar street name greeted me. I was crossing intersections and passing by huge buildings which are new to my sight.
After walking and perspiring and traversing the road to nowhere, I found this huge blue wall just right on left side view from my eye.
Heck! I was already in front of my workplace. [Finally, I was able to notice the Yellow Cab Pizza store in between Tokyo Tokyo and KFC at the ground floor of our building.]
posted by Arn 
at 2:58 PM
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